Category Archives: Divorce

Seed of Discontent

I have found in my life that it is far easier for a seed of discontent to be planted, watered and grown (I may not have a green thumb with plants, but I have a fully developed one in this area!), …than it is to be content with my lot, content in my life…trusting in Him in spite of the circumstances I might not care for. I find I have to work much harder to keep that seed of discontent out of my life. It tends to slip in through any crack I might leave unattended.

Quite honestly, I am preparing for my son to graduate from high school and begin his next exciting stage in life. Even though we ultimately raise our children to hopefully go out to be independent and fully functioning adults, I did not expect my circumstances to be remotely close to what they are as I prepare for the empty nest stage. It leaves me with a huge sense of panic I have a hard time dealing with, far too often. These circumstances lead me at times towards a major amount of discontent, when I let down my guard.  The bottom line…this is where I am at. It is irrelevant whether the whole scenario fits my dreams and hopes when growing up. I don’t need to dwell on what is different than what I had hoped for . However, at times I admit I jump into that pit, fully immerse myself in it, roll around, do the back stroke and make sure it seeps into every crack…I play all of the what if’s and what might have been.  The wallowing just makes me more miserable, and when I surface from it, the reality hasn’t changed. The sovereignty of my Heavenly Father hasn’t changed either. I have to make a choice.  Dwell on what is not, or seek Him to find out how He wants me to live in the midst of what is. HIS purpose in it all, not mine!

I’m sure some aspect of this coming life change will be a frequent blog topic in the coming months.:)  That ‘moment’ down the road when he goes on to his next stage in life seems far too big and painful for me to face and handle. However, the key is I don’t need to be able to handle it today. He will give me the grace I need at the time I need it…just like He’s done for me in the past. I have to choose to trust in that.  I have to choose to know He also has a purpose for my life…to trust in His promises and His faithfulness He has shown me time and time again. My eyes MUST be on Him, not on me and my situation…any difficult situation that is being faced…or I can’t thrive. I especially can’t seek to actively live in the freedom of his love for me, trusting in Him. If I allow myself to get caught in the trap of looking around, comparing, grieving, I will miss out on so much.. Instead, I must press on to the goal He has set before me. THAT is what really matters in it all… that my focus is on Him and that I keep myself under His authority and seek to honor and glorify Him in the midst of whatever crosses my path. Sounds great, but living it can be oh so much harder, at least it is for me…far too often. Eyes on Him, not on me or those around me…or my battle for contentment is futile.

Truths from His Word:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.   Philippians 4:11-13

II Corinthians 12:10: For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Yikes!! These verses may not always be easy to live out, but oh they are so worth it. To be content WITH weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions AND calamities! I could spend the rest of my life just focusing on trying to live out these verses! I want to radiate joy for Him, in the midst of these challenges! Now that I have written this out, and shared it with you..you can hold me to it!

We need to encourage and uplift each other, to help each other walk successfully down the unique path the Lord has carved out for each of us. To rejoice in His unique plans for our lives. Let’s not worry if our paths always look the same, as long as we’re walking in obedience to the truths in His Word. Hopefully we can do that for each other.I know I need all the help I can get! Please always feel free to share any prayer requests…on here or to email me directly. This journey is hard enough at times. It is easy to get caught up in things that can distract or cause dissension between believers. Instead, we can walk along side each other shining for Him. If we’re children of the King, we can be united in that.

A long time ago I read a special story about the individual path we are each called to walk. We can stray off of that path, getting lost along the way. Or, we can walk confidently with Him on that path. When we stay on it, we run across special treasures that He has in store for us. When we get off the path, we might miss out on a special gift He has just for us. I couldn’t find a copy of this story, but if anyone has it, I would love it if you could leave it, or a link to it, in the comment section for this blog entry.

The verses below help to sustain me, to give me hope, not in my circumstances, but in the Lord! I pray they do so for you as well. May we all fight together to rid ourselves of discontent, to instead find joy and contentment in our daily walks! How humbling that He loves His children enough to carve out a unique path for each of us so we can use that path to glorify and honor Him..May we learn to choose to be content in where the Lord has called us to walk. May we trust that He will provide the needed grace each and every day.

2  Corinthians 9:8: And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.

I Timothy 6:6: But godliness with contentment is great gain

Gulp, Gasp, Gurgle…

As I start to surface from the pit of depression, I feel like I am gasping for those first breaths of fresh air, while still choking from trying to surface. Relief mixed with panic that I might quickly dip below again. I frantically think of how I can avoid that happening. I also look around at the reality of my home. When did that pile of laundry get so big? Why is it so dusty and there is no milk in the fridge? Now comes the battle to not start beating myself up and overwhelming myself on all of the things I am behind on. Not to start way overdoing it and upsetting my back pain,resulting in the needs for rest and pain med decisions. It feels like i am constantly walking a tightrope. Since I have major balance issues, that is clearly a problem. 🙂
When I started this blog, I said i was committed to transparency, must have been a moment of temporary insanity! When transparency was the word I felt the Lord wanted me to commit to during 2011 I had no clue how hard that would be. We are also trained by society to wear our masks and not to admit weakness. I certainly don’t think when I sit down at lunch with a group of new acquaintances I am obligated to bare my every painful and weak area of my life, nor do they probably want to hear it! I do believe that I have gone through them and struggle with them for a reason, not just in my life, but prayerfully in others. I am talking about MY real struggles, not something I saw someone else struggle with, etc. I want to be mindful not to gossip or share something that is not my story to tell.
However, if the Lord has allowed something in my life, and is taking me through it and teaching me so much, then why shouldn’t I share it? Or maybe the better question is, why WOULDN’T I share it? I can easily answer that question….SHAME, PRIDE, EMBARRASSMENT, FEELINGS OF FAILURE!! Surely no one else has stumbled and fallen, so much and as repeatedly as me?! I know that, because I have thought that more times than I can count! Those whispers in  my ear are LIES!  My Lord does not whisper words of defeat over past mistakes, but of love, hope, encouragement, mercy and blessed FORGIVENESS! When I started this blog, I did plan on being real, but maybe not SO real and SO soon! 🙂 In fact, as I started this entry today, I thought…maybe I should set this blog to be private for now! Just to give myself a chance to work through some things. 😉 Not that I am out posting this blog on Facebook (Lord please don’t ask me to do that so that people around me know I have faults…SIN!), but I know that someone, anyone, CAN read this blog, which is scary….going back to the dreaded SHAME, PRIDE, etc.
When the Lord drew me unto Him and gave me the privilege of being His child, he FREED me! I am no longer a captive to these areas of bondage in my life. BUT, I can choose to live as a captive. I want to be free, and He has already set me free. I’m letting it go, (or working on it) those fears of what others might think…and trust me…I have those fears. I can reassure you I am VERY human, and I like to please people. My prayer is to want to please Him MORE. Then, I can be at peace, to be the me, HE created me to be! Living according to His Word, His plan for my life…not mine, not those around me, HIS plan. The thought of that gives me such peace. It is so exhausting to frantically try to keep all the plates in the air of pleasing others, escaping my problems, trying to fix things myself…which is beyond arrogant to think I could fix something better than my CREATOR?! Who am I to even attempt that? and trust me, attempt it I have, repeatedly! I am apparently a very slow learner, as you would think I would realize after repeated failures that maybe I don’t have the best possible solution.  So, that brings me where I am today. Taking off the shackles, that I put back on after He freed me. Sharing (in documented form…really, is that necessary! 😉 ) who I really am and what I really struggle with, and LIVING in the AMAZING News that He has already freed me from these struggles, if I will only get out of His way. As I share about Depression, Divorce as a believer, and my biggest shame…Addiction. I pray I live as free. I pray that I do NOT let these things define me, because I am FREE to be the me HE created me to be….and what journey could be more amazing than that!!

Romans 8:21  (Romans 8)

that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

Romans 6:22  (Romans 6)

But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.

Galatians 5:1  (Galatians 5)

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Psalm 118:5  (Psalm 118)

Out of my distress I called on the Lord;

the Lord answered me and set me free