Seed of Discontent

I have found in my life that it is far easier for a seed of discontent to be planted, watered and grown (I may not have a green thumb with plants, but I have a fully developed one in this area!), …than it is to be content with my lot, content in my life…trusting in Him in spite of the circumstances I might not care for. I find I have to work much harder to keep that seed of discontent out of my life. It tends to slip in through any crack I might leave unattended.

Quite honestly, I am preparing for my son to graduate from high school and begin his next exciting stage in life. Even though we ultimately raise our children to hopefully go out to be independent and fully functioning adults, I did not expect my circumstances to be remotely close to what they are as I prepare for the empty nest stage. It leaves me with a huge sense of panic I have a hard time dealing with, far too often. These circumstances lead me at times towards a major amount of discontent, when I let down my guard.  The bottom line…this is where I am at. It is irrelevant whether the whole scenario fits my dreams and hopes when growing up. I don’t need to dwell on what is different than what I had hoped for . However, at times I admit I jump into that pit, fully immerse myself in it, roll around, do the back stroke and make sure it seeps into every crack…I play all of the what if’s and what might have been.  The wallowing just makes me more miserable, and when I surface from it, the reality hasn’t changed. The sovereignty of my Heavenly Father hasn’t changed either. I have to make a choice.  Dwell on what is not, or seek Him to find out how He wants me to live in the midst of what is. HIS purpose in it all, not mine!

I’m sure some aspect of this coming life change will be a frequent blog topic in the coming months.:)  That ‘moment’ down the road when he goes on to his next stage in life seems far too big and painful for me to face and handle. However, the key is I don’t need to be able to handle it today. He will give me the grace I need at the time I need it…just like He’s done for me in the past. I have to choose to trust in that.  I have to choose to know He also has a purpose for my life…to trust in His promises and His faithfulness He has shown me time and time again. My eyes MUST be on Him, not on me and my situation…any difficult situation that is being faced…or I can’t thrive. I especially can’t seek to actively live in the freedom of his love for me, trusting in Him. If I allow myself to get caught in the trap of looking around, comparing, grieving, I will miss out on so much.. Instead, I must press on to the goal He has set before me. THAT is what really matters in it all… that my focus is on Him and that I keep myself under His authority and seek to honor and glorify Him in the midst of whatever crosses my path. Sounds great, but living it can be oh so much harder, at least it is for me…far too often. Eyes on Him, not on me or those around me…or my battle for contentment is futile.

Truths from His Word:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.   Philippians 4:11-13

II Corinthians 12:10: For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Yikes!! These verses may not always be easy to live out, but oh they are so worth it. To be content WITH weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions AND calamities! I could spend the rest of my life just focusing on trying to live out these verses! I want to radiate joy for Him, in the midst of these challenges! Now that I have written this out, and shared it with you..you can hold me to it!

We need to encourage and uplift each other, to help each other walk successfully down the unique path the Lord has carved out for each of us. To rejoice in His unique plans for our lives. Let’s not worry if our paths always look the same, as long as we’re walking in obedience to the truths in His Word. Hopefully we can do that for each other.I know I need all the help I can get! Please always feel free to share any prayer requests…on here or to email me directly. This journey is hard enough at times. It is easy to get caught up in things that can distract or cause dissension between believers. Instead, we can walk along side each other shining for Him. If we’re children of the King, we can be united in that.

A long time ago I read a special story about the individual path we are each called to walk. We can stray off of that path, getting lost along the way. Or, we can walk confidently with Him on that path. When we stay on it, we run across special treasures that He has in store for us. When we get off the path, we might miss out on a special gift He has just for us. I couldn’t find a copy of this story, but if anyone has it, I would love it if you could leave it, or a link to it, in the comment section for this blog entry.

The verses below help to sustain me, to give me hope, not in my circumstances, but in the Lord! I pray they do so for you as well. May we all fight together to rid ourselves of discontent, to instead find joy and contentment in our daily walks! How humbling that He loves His children enough to carve out a unique path for each of us so we can use that path to glorify and honor Him..May we learn to choose to be content in where the Lord has called us to walk. May we trust that He will provide the needed grace each and every day.

2  Corinthians 9:8: And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.

I Timothy 6:6: But godliness with contentment is great gain

I miss…

I’ve learned it is important to acknowledge and take the time to grieve things we miss, loss of dreams and more. Otherwise, it just gets stuffed down inside and surfaces in other ways…which are typically not that appealing! Below deals with some things I miss due to my deafness, especially things related to my son.

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My mountain….In so many ways it often feels like I am setup to fail. At times, every direction I seem to look, I feel another support beam pulled out from under me. I know with all of my heart that I still have and always will have the ‘Ultimate Support Beam’ in my Heavenly Father…but some days, oh it is so very hard, overwhelming and lonely. I don’t understand it all, and probably never will…none of us ever understand all we go through. The bigger question is not why is it happening, but can I trust Him throughout it all.

My honest answer would be some days yes, and too many days no. I will feel like I am climbing the mountain and starting to see the top for a little bit, only to go tumbling down. No wonder my name is Jill! J  I know He will sustain me, but too often I don’t know how to let Him do so. I am weary. I am fearful. I am angry…but I have the great I AM fighting on my behalf. Lord, please show me how to cling to You in the midst of it…how to not constantly grieve, both circumstances from my past, present and future.

I feel so unworthy. I believe the enemies’ lies that I am such a failure, such a burden, no success in any area of my life. The enemy is whispering and deceiving me. I am buying every word he says. My life looks bleak, and the future looks bleaker.

However, I KNOW you love me, just as much as You love all of Your children. I KNOW I am beyond blessed and humbled that You chose me to be YOUR CHILD. That should be all I ever need. Then I get focused on the world and those around me. Don’t other’s circumstances always seem brighter, easier? I hunger for a time of giddy joy, free from life’s sorrows. However, I also know that I may never have that…and I HAVE to learn how to be okay with that, at peace with that. I WANT to make a joyful noise for You in the midst of it. If ever I had failed at something, I do not want it to be in living as Your Child. I crave for you to tell me…Well done my good and faithful servant. I want YOU to be pleased with me. I want to live a life submitted to you. I don’t want to go from times of faithfulness in Your Word and prayer, to at the drop of a hat feeling so distant from you…not even opening Your Word at times…even when I know that is my ultimate solution in drawing back to You.

I’m weary. I just don’t know how to get past that right now. I am missing hearing more than I ever have. I find it ironic that I miss it more now than I did right after I lost my hearing. I think a lot of it ties into Doss and the things I am missing with him.

I miss or will miss:

Hearing his voice, now that is has gotten deeper. I still ‘hear’ his younger voice when he talks to me.

The ease of light-hearted banter with him. Sometimes it just takes too much effort when he has to tell me something over and over again. I know I miss out on so many details. Yes, I may know the important things, but I want to know it all.

Being able to interact with his friends. I always thought I would be the mom that joked around with all of the kids, cooked for them and the house everyone wanted to be at. His friends are sweet with me, but they can’t easily share details. I get a lot of very sweet smiles and signs. I so appreciate those things, but I so desperately miss the other. I am so thankful Doss has that with some of his friend’s moms, but I WANT THAT TOO!

Hearing the chatter between Doss and his friends. Sometimes over little things and sometimes over things that really matter to them.

Being able to talk to him on the phone when he’s out and about and needs something.

Being able to go to teacher meetings or other assemblies and know what is going on. I never dreamed I would be the ‘unreliable’ parent in those areas.

What does his laughter sound like?What does his singing voice sound like…when you can get him to sing!

Many things in the future….how will I communicate and really stay close with him when he’s not standing right by me where I can easily lipread him. Text messages and emails can only do so much. Will he only call and tell his dad the funny things, the little things…how much will I miss out on then

Getting to easily know his future wife, chatting over lunch, not with the extra fear of how are we going to understand each other

What about his wedding?? Will I be sitting there by myself on my son’s special day, without a clue what is really being said and going on…watching other’s reactions

Being able to keep a clean home for him and home cooked meals the majority of the time.Being able to run errands and do things for him as much or more than he does them for me.

The loss of innocence my health causes him. The worries that come with it. The responsibilities.

Being able to be at church with him each week.

I MISS TRULY BEING ABLE TO LIVE WITH AND ENJOY MY SON!!!!

Lord, if this is Your plan for me, PLEASE sustain me. I get so angry at times over my health, finances, divorce, etc. I don’t understand why I have to have NF2 AND addiction AND be divorced and dealing with it all by myself. If only I had someone that shared the day to day load with me. Why can I not have that human contact and support on a day to day basis? I don’t know how to succeed. Everything seems to hinder the others success. In the midst of it all, please help me to stay on Your path for me. Help me to be able to truly hope and be fulfilled in you, not my circumstances. Fill me Lord. Forgive me for my weaknesses.

I take great comfort in His strength in the midst of my weakness. His love for me reassures me. He is trustworthy, so even in the midst of the pain, I need to choose to rest in the knowledge of His perfect plan for my life. I want these losses to draw me closer to Him, not push me further away from Him. (Push me away it actually not the right phrase. He doesn’t push me away at all. He never leaves or forsakes us. I am the one who pulls away from Him.

2 Corinthians 13:9

    [9] For we are glad when we are weak and you re strong. Your restoration is what we pray for.

Romans 8:26

    [26] Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

2 Corinthians 12:9

[9] But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.