14 February, 2014 14:29

Testing

Seed of Discontent

I have found in my life that it is far easier for a seed of discontent to be planted, watered and grown (I may not have a green thumb with plants, but I have a fully developed one in this area!), …than it is to be content with my lot, content in my life…trusting in Him in spite of the circumstances I might not care for. I find I have to work much harder to keep that seed of discontent out of my life. It tends to slip in through any crack I might leave unattended.

Quite honestly, I am preparing for my son to graduate from high school and begin his next exciting stage in life. Even though we ultimately raise our children to hopefully go out to be independent and fully functioning adults, I did not expect my circumstances to be remotely close to what they are as I prepare for the empty nest stage. It leaves me with a huge sense of panic I have a hard time dealing with, far too often. These circumstances lead me at times towards a major amount of discontent, when I let down my guard.  The bottom line…this is where I am at. It is irrelevant whether the whole scenario fits my dreams and hopes when growing up. I don’t need to dwell on what is different than what I had hoped for . However, at times I admit I jump into that pit, fully immerse myself in it, roll around, do the back stroke and make sure it seeps into every crack…I play all of the what if’s and what might have been.  The wallowing just makes me more miserable, and when I surface from it, the reality hasn’t changed. The sovereignty of my Heavenly Father hasn’t changed either. I have to make a choice.  Dwell on what is not, or seek Him to find out how He wants me to live in the midst of what is. HIS purpose in it all, not mine!

I’m sure some aspect of this coming life change will be a frequent blog topic in the coming months.:)  That ‘moment’ down the road when he goes on to his next stage in life seems far too big and painful for me to face and handle. However, the key is I don’t need to be able to handle it today. He will give me the grace I need at the time I need it…just like He’s done for me in the past. I have to choose to trust in that.  I have to choose to know He also has a purpose for my life…to trust in His promises and His faithfulness He has shown me time and time again. My eyes MUST be on Him, not on me and my situation…any difficult situation that is being faced…or I can’t thrive. I especially can’t seek to actively live in the freedom of his love for me, trusting in Him. If I allow myself to get caught in the trap of looking around, comparing, grieving, I will miss out on so much.. Instead, I must press on to the goal He has set before me. THAT is what really matters in it all… that my focus is on Him and that I keep myself under His authority and seek to honor and glorify Him in the midst of whatever crosses my path. Sounds great, but living it can be oh so much harder, at least it is for me…far too often. Eyes on Him, not on me or those around me…or my battle for contentment is futile.

Truths from His Word:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.   Philippians 4:11-13

II Corinthians 12:10: For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Yikes!! These verses may not always be easy to live out, but oh they are so worth it. To be content WITH weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions AND calamities! I could spend the rest of my life just focusing on trying to live out these verses! I want to radiate joy for Him, in the midst of these challenges! Now that I have written this out, and shared it with you..you can hold me to it!

We need to encourage and uplift each other, to help each other walk successfully down the unique path the Lord has carved out for each of us. To rejoice in His unique plans for our lives. Let’s not worry if our paths always look the same, as long as we’re walking in obedience to the truths in His Word. Hopefully we can do that for each other.I know I need all the help I can get! Please always feel free to share any prayer requests…on here or to email me directly. This journey is hard enough at times. It is easy to get caught up in things that can distract or cause dissension between believers. Instead, we can walk along side each other shining for Him. If we’re children of the King, we can be united in that.

A long time ago I read a special story about the individual path we are each called to walk. We can stray off of that path, getting lost along the way. Or, we can walk confidently with Him on that path. When we stay on it, we run across special treasures that He has in store for us. When we get off the path, we might miss out on a special gift He has just for us. I couldn’t find a copy of this story, but if anyone has it, I would love it if you could leave it, or a link to it, in the comment section for this blog entry.

The verses below help to sustain me, to give me hope, not in my circumstances, but in the Lord! I pray they do so for you as well. May we all fight together to rid ourselves of discontent, to instead find joy and contentment in our daily walks! How humbling that He loves His children enough to carve out a unique path for each of us so we can use that path to glorify and honor Him..May we learn to choose to be content in where the Lord has called us to walk. May we trust that He will provide the needed grace each and every day.

2  Corinthians 9:8: And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.

I Timothy 6:6: But godliness with contentment is great gain

Be all that you can be!

Dream Big. Be All That You Can Be. We’re inundated with constant challenges to pursue big dreams, to believe nothing can hold us back from accomplishing whatever our mind is set on. (Emphasis on what OUR mind is set on.)  If the desire is in our heart, then we must be able to reach our goal, to satisfy that desire, right?

I googled motivational phrases and these were a few I ran across:

“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.”–Norman Vincent Peale

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.”–William Arthur Ward

“The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.” -Confucius

“If you can dream it, you can do it.”-Walt Disney

Great ‘cheerleading’ phrases, but they miss the essential point.  I think it is so easy to get ahead of ourselves when facing all of this propaganda. We frequently hear how the Lord will give us the desires of our heart. Give us our dreams!  Almost as if He owes us! I find when I get caught up in that, my focus is on my dreams, on what I want.  At that point I’m not looking to the Lord to show me His plan for me. I’m looking to Him to put His stamp of approval on what I want. I’ve already decided what I ‘need’ for Him to make happen.. I just need Him to do his part. Not only is that extremely arrogant on my part…to think that I can come up with a better plan for my life than He can…but this thinking makes Him more of a genie, than my Lord and Savior! These quotes tend to put all of the responsibility and focus on ourselves and our own strength, not the Lord’s.

So what about those desires of our heart that he promises to fulfill in Proverbs 37:4?

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

I think we forget the first part of the verse.  Delight yourself in the Lord, AND (then) He will give you the desires of your heart. If I am truly delighting in Him and pursuing Him in all my ways, might that mean that my desires will ultimately be different than what I think I need? When my heart is right with Him, my desire is to ultimately please Him and live for Him. His desires become my desires. As that hymn says….

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Lord, may I completely and freely delight in You, in all areas of my life, and may my desires be Your desires..

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

A New Year…Grace

Although I have disappeared on here for quite a long time, recently I feel more and more led that it is time to pick up my blogging pen again. Life holds many unknowns right now, but the one constant that is ALWAYS known, is the Great I AM. Nothing in my past, present, or future, takes Him by surprise. I find comfort in that. I find hope in that Truth. I may not always feel warm fuzzy emotions about life’s circumstances, but thankfully He doesn’t rely on that. He is faithful, and His faithfulness is not dependent on my feelings. I can rest in the fact that He is there and has a purpose for me. He loves me more than I can fathom and is not capable of allowing things in my life, or allowing me to make choices, that are not ultimately for my good and for His Glory!

I think I have shared a long time ago that each year I pray about what word He wants me to focus on that year.  He has used these words to grow me and challenge me in ways I couldn’t have foreseen. The lessons haven’t always been easy, but they have been good and worth it. In the past one word has been transparency. Focus on this word ultimately helped strip away the many masks we tend to wear. Although painful at the time, the emphasis on transparency loosened strongholds of shame, pride and much more.

My word this year is Grace. I look forward to learning more about it, how I can extend grace to others and to better grasp the grace that He has so fully extended to me, and freely offers others. I want to live freely in that grace! I’ve been reading some John Piper daily devotions on my phone, and the very first day in January dealt with grace. I love to see how He teaches me about it, and shows it to me, everywhere I turn.  I’ll be sure to share those moments on here, both for you, and for me. I find that it helps me to have those moments written down to encourage me when I need it…to see firsthand His faithfulness in sharing his Truths just when I need them. As I said in the beginning, He is the ONLY constant that we can count on…and wow, could it get any better than having the Creator of the Universe being the One constant in our lives!

Below is an excerpt I read that explains grace. I hope this helps you too:

Grace means to get something that you do not deserve; unmerited favor.  Mercy means you do not get a punishment that you deserve; compassion, forbearance. God is abundant in grace and mercy and we can read about it in the Bible. His greatest act of grace is the gift of salvation that is available for all people through faith. (Eph 2:8-9).

Grace…I can’t wait to see how He graciously teaches me about grace. I pray I get out of the way and allow Him to teach me and mold me!

I miss…

I’ve learned it is important to acknowledge and take the time to grieve things we miss, loss of dreams and more. Otherwise, it just gets stuffed down inside and surfaces in other ways…which are typically not that appealing! Below deals with some things I miss due to my deafness, especially things related to my son.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

My mountain….In so many ways it often feels like I am setup to fail. At times, every direction I seem to look, I feel another support beam pulled out from under me. I know with all of my heart that I still have and always will have the ‘Ultimate Support Beam’ in my Heavenly Father…but some days, oh it is so very hard, overwhelming and lonely. I don’t understand it all, and probably never will…none of us ever understand all we go through. The bigger question is not why is it happening, but can I trust Him throughout it all.

My honest answer would be some days yes, and too many days no. I will feel like I am climbing the mountain and starting to see the top for a little bit, only to go tumbling down. No wonder my name is Jill! J  I know He will sustain me, but too often I don’t know how to let Him do so. I am weary. I am fearful. I am angry…but I have the great I AM fighting on my behalf. Lord, please show me how to cling to You in the midst of it…how to not constantly grieve, both circumstances from my past, present and future.

I feel so unworthy. I believe the enemies’ lies that I am such a failure, such a burden, no success in any area of my life. The enemy is whispering and deceiving me. I am buying every word he says. My life looks bleak, and the future looks bleaker.

However, I KNOW you love me, just as much as You love all of Your children. I KNOW I am beyond blessed and humbled that You chose me to be YOUR CHILD. That should be all I ever need. Then I get focused on the world and those around me. Don’t other’s circumstances always seem brighter, easier? I hunger for a time of giddy joy, free from life’s sorrows. However, I also know that I may never have that…and I HAVE to learn how to be okay with that, at peace with that. I WANT to make a joyful noise for You in the midst of it. If ever I had failed at something, I do not want it to be in living as Your Child. I crave for you to tell me…Well done my good and faithful servant. I want YOU to be pleased with me. I want to live a life submitted to you. I don’t want to go from times of faithfulness in Your Word and prayer, to at the drop of a hat feeling so distant from you…not even opening Your Word at times…even when I know that is my ultimate solution in drawing back to You.

I’m weary. I just don’t know how to get past that right now. I am missing hearing more than I ever have. I find it ironic that I miss it more now than I did right after I lost my hearing. I think a lot of it ties into Doss and the things I am missing with him.

I miss or will miss:

Hearing his voice, now that is has gotten deeper. I still ‘hear’ his younger voice when he talks to me.

The ease of light-hearted banter with him. Sometimes it just takes too much effort when he has to tell me something over and over again. I know I miss out on so many details. Yes, I may know the important things, but I want to know it all.

Being able to interact with his friends. I always thought I would be the mom that joked around with all of the kids, cooked for them and the house everyone wanted to be at. His friends are sweet with me, but they can’t easily share details. I get a lot of very sweet smiles and signs. I so appreciate those things, but I so desperately miss the other. I am so thankful Doss has that with some of his friend’s moms, but I WANT THAT TOO!

Hearing the chatter between Doss and his friends. Sometimes over little things and sometimes over things that really matter to them.

Being able to talk to him on the phone when he’s out and about and needs something.

Being able to go to teacher meetings or other assemblies and know what is going on. I never dreamed I would be the ‘unreliable’ parent in those areas.

What does his laughter sound like?What does his singing voice sound like…when you can get him to sing!

Many things in the future….how will I communicate and really stay close with him when he’s not standing right by me where I can easily lipread him. Text messages and emails can only do so much. Will he only call and tell his dad the funny things, the little things…how much will I miss out on then

Getting to easily know his future wife, chatting over lunch, not with the extra fear of how are we going to understand each other

What about his wedding?? Will I be sitting there by myself on my son’s special day, without a clue what is really being said and going on…watching other’s reactions

Being able to keep a clean home for him and home cooked meals the majority of the time.Being able to run errands and do things for him as much or more than he does them for me.

The loss of innocence my health causes him. The worries that come with it. The responsibilities.

Being able to be at church with him each week.

I MISS TRULY BEING ABLE TO LIVE WITH AND ENJOY MY SON!!!!

Lord, if this is Your plan for me, PLEASE sustain me. I get so angry at times over my health, finances, divorce, etc. I don’t understand why I have to have NF2 AND addiction AND be divorced and dealing with it all by myself. If only I had someone that shared the day to day load with me. Why can I not have that human contact and support on a day to day basis? I don’t know how to succeed. Everything seems to hinder the others success. In the midst of it all, please help me to stay on Your path for me. Help me to be able to truly hope and be fulfilled in you, not my circumstances. Fill me Lord. Forgive me for my weaknesses.

I take great comfort in His strength in the midst of my weakness. His love for me reassures me. He is trustworthy, so even in the midst of the pain, I need to choose to rest in the knowledge of His perfect plan for my life. I want these losses to draw me closer to Him, not push me further away from Him. (Push me away it actually not the right phrase. He doesn’t push me away at all. He never leaves or forsakes us. I am the one who pulls away from Him.

2 Corinthians 13:9

    [9] For we are glad when we are weak and you re strong. Your restoration is what we pray for.

Romans 8:26

    [26] Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

2 Corinthians 12:9

[9] But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

If you are blessed, then what am I?

As believers, I think we need to focus on sharing how ‘God is Good’ and we are ‘Blessed’, in good times AND in bad times.  We’re all quick to say it when things go the way we want them too….surgery or health scare went well, got the job promotion, etc.  However, God is just as good even if we don’t get the test results we want or if our marriage isn’t restored.

I think when we only say we’re blessed, and that God is good, based on positive circumstances in our lives, by default, we’re implying that He’s good because we got the answer we wanted, have an amazing husband, etc, etc.

I don’t mean to imply at all that those things aren’t amazing and blessings. I just think we need to be careful not to imply we’re only blessed if those thin,gs happen to us. God is holy and loving and just. He has a perfect, unique and wonderful plan for each of His children. Our blessings don’t always look the same.  Just like snowflakes!

I’ll be honest, this subject has struck a chord in me because some of my circumstances aren’t obvious blessings. My son…HUGE obvious blessing…my divorce, health issues, not so much. I’m learning to keep my eyes more and more on Him and not compare circumstances.  I’m also learning to see the blessings in the midst of some yucky stuff. Regardless, I am in awe that my Heavenly Father loves me enough to have a special plan, just for me…for all of His children.

Another reminder that blessings aren’t always easily achieved comes from the Beatitudes.. I’ve copied them below. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Am I the only one who thinks like this? 🙂 I want to have the qualities described below.

[3] “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
[4] “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
[5] “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
[6] “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
[7] “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
[8] “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
[9] “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
[10] “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
[11] “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.

(Matthew 5:3-11 ESV)

Another day…

Another tough day, have a fair amount of pain without any medication right now. Plus, the depression is almost physically weighing me down. I get tired of sitting here so listlessly but can’t seem to manage anything else. Sadly, I was pleased with myself for vacuuming the living room…not exactly a major accomplishment. One thing I am working on is trying to not also beat myself up by vacuuming, but then minimizing it and belittling myself for only doing that. Why can’t I pat myself on the back? I’m sure that would be more likely to lead to accomplishment something else instead of heaping more discouragement on myself. Does anyone else do that? Cloudy and rainy for third day in a row, not the best weather for trying to get my head above water….no pun intended. 😉

My verses today are about comfort, both receiving it from Him and giving it to others. I pray I learn to receive it, and I pray I can extend to others…to be obedient to Him…plus, I definitely don’t want to be going through this for nothing.
Looking forward to being able to look back at these posts and see His faithfulness through it all.

[God of All Comfort]
[3] Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, [4] who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. [5] For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. [6] If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. [7] Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

(2 Corinthians 1:3-7 ESV)

My son is at a college football game, and I have just ordered a pizza for myself. 🙂

Long post…gone!

Well in the battle of not letting depression totally destroy me, I am writing another post. I had just finished writing a lengthy post about my struggles, only to have it totally disappear on here. To be honest, I don’t have it in me right now to re-write it, but the important part is that we can claim His truths in the midst of it. We can cling to those truths with everything in us…and barely holding on…which is where I have been today. Join me?

2 Corinthians 4:16-18.

I’ll try to post the full verse later tonight. Clinging to Him and knowing He is a trustworthy and loving Heavenly Fath

Here are the actual verses:

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV)

I bolded a part of the verse that is key to me…I have to look at Him, not my circumstances rock my world, that means my hope is in a favorable outcome rather than hope in Him. If it is truly in Him, then this roller coaster should stop. This has been a good gauge and eye opener for me lately!

A beginning…

Well it is always hard to know where to begin, especially my very first post. I think I want to share my purpose and hopes for this blog. The blog will address both my past and present journey through life, and all that it entails. I want to be real and transparent. I in no way have all of the answers or have it all together. One of my hopes in writing this, is that it will help me make progress in my day to day life, especially as a believer and as a mom.

I have found that it is often one step forward and three of four steps back! I have also learned though that as long as I start walking forward again, that is still progress…and it is normal! No one that I have met only takes steps in the right direction. If there is someone out there, who has gotten it all together, and no longer takes steps back then I do not want to meet them. 😉

The reason for the name of this blog is that I don’t want to go through life grumbling and complaining when things cross my path, be it big or small struggles. Regardless of my circumstances, the Lord is never changing. He is to be my true source of joy. If that is the case, then my ‘noise’ really will sound joyful. When I get distracted by my circumstances and things around me, THAT is when I start honking away! I hope to take steps of obedience through this blog. Writing on both the good and the bad days.

I want to be able to look back and see how the Lord took me through the darker days, even when it took me a while to ‘feel’ His presence and contentment in the path He has chosen for me. I want to rejoice in that path that He chose uniquely for me! That in itself is amazing…that He would care enough about me to very specifically have a plan and purpose in my life. I may not always understand what that is, but ultimately that does not matter. He is a trustworthy God. If I place my trust in Him, then I have no reason to fear. I do not need to have an explanation. He doesn’t get His ‘kicks’ out of making things difficult. He isn’t able to approach things that way.  The Lord is Holy, and He truly is the only one that only takes steps in the right direction.

My hope and prayer is that I will always be genuine on here, even when it doesn’t paint me in a very pleasant picture! I also hope to grow in my obedience and trust in Him. I want my noise to be more and more joyful, and less and less obnoxious honking! I would be honored for you to join me along the way. I look forward to hearing how He is working in your lives and how you have learned to make a joyful noise. Let’s take this journey together, step by step! Are you honking today or making a joyful noise to the Lord?

Jill

Psalm 95:2  (Psalm 95)

Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;

let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!

Psalm 95:1  (Psalm 95)

Oh come, let us sing to the Lord;

let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!